Should I come out as bi or gay?

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Should I come out as bi or gay?

Unread postby IdkWhatToWrite » 25th December, 2017, 4:55 pm

Okay so I'm an 18yo male & I have no idea what label I am, let’s rant.

I’m mostly physically attracted to guys, and mostly emotionally/romantically attracted to girls.

More details: So, when I say mostly physically attracted to guys, I mean 90% of good looking, naked men, would get me turned on. And only 10% of good looking, naked women would turn me on, but not even that much. With women I have a specific type that I like. I’ve looked at women and thought they were smoking hot, but there would be very little sexual desire. I feel slight physical attraction to women, and pretty much only to women I know very well and like A LOT.

That’s where the romantic/emotional attraction comes in: I don't really look at guys in a romantic way. I have not felt romantic attraction to a guy to this date. When I see hot guys, I think ‘’Oh damn I want to have sex with them’’
To women however, I feel little physical attraction, but I think it’s like I fall in love with HER, and not her body. Like, being in a relationship with an asexual, hetero-romantical women would be perfect. Little, or no sex, but a lot of talking, cuddling, taking care of, and sometimes kissing. It’s like that’s how I want to picture my future.

However, BECAUSE I’m so damn confused I feel like I’m betraying either sexes I get close to. I don’t look for anything sexual/romantical in both women or men because I feel like I’m lying tot hem, or lying to myself…
That’s why I’m a late-bloomer have little experience with either sexes. I have had to urges to have sex with men, and I’ve also had urges to kiss girls (which almost happened a few times until my mind had to interfere)


Is anyone familiar with this? How should I label myself?
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Re: Should I come out as bi or gay?

Unread postby Dolly » 25th December, 2017, 5:23 pm

You sound bi, but tbh you should give yourself more time to make sure of it. Would really not be able to date a guy whatsoever?
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Re: Should I come out as bi or gay?

Unread postby Wayde » 26th December, 2017, 2:14 am

I was the same way when I was coming to terms with my sexuality. I think the "I'm sexually attracted to guys, but could never fall in love with one" mindset was actually a bit of internalized homophobia on my part. I come from a very homophobic background (as in, I'm not out to my parents yet because I'm 85% sure that I will be disowned, or at least avoided at all times but holiday dinners), and I think there was always this thought in my subconscious telling me that, as long as I was just sexually attracted to guys, I wouldn't really be 100% gay. If I was romantically attracted to girls, that would only make me like 50% gay. Eventually, and I can't quite say how long it took, that mindset passed. One day, I looked at my friend/crush and realized that he was a crush for more than just his gorgeous face and six-pack, and that I wanted more than just to have sex with him. I liked his personality, his witty comebacks, and the way he can never tell a joke without laughing halfway through it. I wanted to be able to depend on him and for him to pick me up when I'm down. I wanted someone to love me, despite my faults, and to just be there to live life with me, whether we're snuggling, gettin' it on, or just grocery shopping. I'm not saying you'll decide the same thing as me, but I just wanted to let you know that, no matter your sexuality, you're not the only one having these thoughts.
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Re: Should I come out as bi or gay?

Unread postby IdkWhatToWrite » 26th December, 2017, 4:57 pm

Wayde wrote:I think there was always this thought in my subconscious telling me that, as long as I was just sexually attracted to guys, I wouldn't really be 100% gay. If I was romantically attracted to girls, that would only make me like 50% gay.



''I was just sexually attracted to guys, I wouldn't really be 100% gay. If I was romantically attracted to girls, that would only make me like 50% gay'' This reason I don't engage in activities with either guys or girls. You worded it perfectly. I don't know whether I can trust my own feelings or not. There's this whisper in my head that says I'm just making all of this up because I'm afraid I'll lose the 50% ''normal'' I still have left, according to other peoples views.

There once was this internalized homophobia, but I think I'm over it. Right now I am really just looking for people who possibly have felt similar feelings. I'm lucky enough to have parents who are, well not exactly pleased with gay people, but they are accepting. Maybe I should just experiment a bit and see how things work out. Anyways, thank you so much for your reply. I hope things work out for you too :)
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Re: Should I come out as bi or gay?

Unread postby IdkWhatToWrite » 26th December, 2017, 5:07 pm

Dolly wrote:You sound bi, but tbh you should give yourself more time to make sure of it. Would really not be able to date a guy whatsoever?

I honestly don't know. I think I could date a guy, but it's hard for me to picture this. I know a gay couple and I've seen many online, and they make me happy, so it's not like I'm freaked out by the idea of it. Maybe I just haven't met a single date-worthy guy?
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Re: Should I come out as bi or gay?

Unread postby Sokol » 26th December, 2017, 6:17 pm

So okay, I'm not going to read the other replies so excuse me if I'm reciting something.
I've had the same problem a while ago and when I searched it, it said I was a heteroromantic homosexual. Which means, romantic attraction towards women, physical attraction towards men. Although, it could maybe be that you're just pushing yourself not to love men? I could be wrong, but this is what I did. So after a while, I just noticed I could both love women and men, so as of now, I identify as bisexual. You could be heteroromantic homosexual, also bisexual. It's just how you define it.

P.S.: I don't feel like you should label yourself, be what you are.
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Re: Should I come out as bi or gay?

Unread postby wolbre04 » 26th December, 2017, 6:39 pm

If you're looking for a specific orientation label for yourself (Which, as Sokol said, is not necessary, and it is perfectly normal to be unsure or fluid), I would lean toward Bi and I'll tell you why.
Generally speaking, I don't know what the situation is where you are in terms of acceptance, but here, bisexuality is more acceptable, so you could always refer to yourself as such until you are completely self-sufficient/independent and either: a) confirm you are bi due to later experience, b) determine you are gay, c) or make another judgement at that time. I've honestly considered referring to myself as bi, only because it would be easier to justify to certain parts of my family than homosexuality.
As you mentioned, you haven't had a super serious relationship, so I would maybe try one which can help you make educated choices about who you are!
Again though, life is more about enjoying it with freedom and happiness than feeling confined to a certain orientation and lifestyle!
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Re: Should I come out as bi or gay?

Unread postby Auralnauts » 30th December, 2017, 12:20 pm

Go with the flow, man. Don't let society play a roll in your happiness. If you like dick one day and the next you like poon then so be it.
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Re: Should I come out as bi or gay?

Unread postby Uwillnevrkno » 30th December, 2017, 5:11 pm

You should come out as what you think you are but the trouble is that people may 'pigeon-hole' you. Basically if you come out as gay for example but you aren't 100% sure and you may realise you're bi and so it kind of may confuse people but the best thing is being happy
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Re: Should I come out as bi or gay?

Unread postby c70 » 31st December, 2017, 11:37 pm

I think you should wait and see what makes you truly happy. A Label isn't that important right now. My advice to you is honestly to not stress about coming out, not stress about labeling yourself. You are very young still, and you have lots of time to figure out who you like how.
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Re: Should I come out as bi or gay?

Unread postby Russell » 3rd January, 2018, 10:57 pm

That 10% is more than likely the dregs of denial. Sexuality is fluid though, so I personally still don't like to label myself as gay as I don't want to close off the possibility of being with a women should that 1 in 100000000000000 chance occur. At the end of the day the choice is solely up to you, you just have to figure out which you identify most with and go with it. It doesn't really matter if you change your mind later on down the track, as it's just a label you've given yourself, which can easily be changed down the line.
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