My friend is gay... but he isn't?

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My friend is gay... but he isn't?

Unread postby fivetangent » 15th February, 2018, 12:59 pm

Hello everyone.
First of all, sorry if my English is all over the place during any part of this topic, i'm not native :/ but i'll try my best.

This will probably be a long post, since i want to give you as much detail as i can so you can get what i'm saying.. it's a weird story :lol:


So it all started a couple of months ago, i have been friends with this person online for years now, and altough i never met him in person, i can already say he is one of my best friends.
I'm not gonna say his name nor his age, but we are teens, and we recently talked a lot about sexuality and our sexual preferences, safe to say that it was our main topic everytime we chatted :D
I'm almost positive that i'm gay.. i mean, i used to have crushes on girls, but they were rare, and now i only watch gay porn, sooooo ;)

But getting back to the story - So i met this guy online for a couple of years now, he became one of my best friends.. but recently i wanted to more more than ''friends'' with him, if you know what i'm saying.
We have the same tastes in music, clothing.. like, everything, and even one time he said ''You know, we were made of each other'' and we got so confortable with each other that i eventualy came out to him as gay, he is the first person that i've ever told such a thing.. i know i could trust him, not only because he was my friend, but because i thought he was gay aswell... matter in fact, he even came out to me as gay once, and i even made sure to ask him ''but are you really? You're not trolling me?'' And he replied that it wasn't a joke, he was gay.

Save to say that i had a crush on him, he was so kind, we had the same taste in basically everything.. when i dyed my hair, i convinced him to do the same, and he did :lol: i bought a shirt and sent him a photo, the next day he sent me a picture with the same shirt saying that he really liked it so he went ahead and bought one aswell, he even sayed to me that he wanted to move out with me since we both had the same idea of moving out to another country..those were the little things that made me fall in love.

We have a big online group of friends, and when someone made a joke about homosexuality, he would flip off and would start to defend homosexuality.. basically everyone at the group thought he was gay, and i'll get into that in a moment.
A few days ago, one of those friends at our group asked me and a couple of others if he was really gay, they all said yes and i told them the truth, where he came out to me as gay.. that's was when i was about to come out to them aswell, so he wouldn't be alone.
That was when i told him that they asked if he was gay... i think he got uncomfortable because he immediatly replied with a ''no''.. he denied to me that he was gay and it was ''all a joke''.. but he only told that to me, and when i asked him again if he was gay or not, he replied, again, that he wasn't gay, he was straight... that's when i told him that i wasn't joking about me being gay, i think he was kinda shocked.. but he replied ''we'll talk better when i get home''


BTW: I got his phone number, we have facetimed each other a lot of times so it's not like i never say him :lol: he even gave me his adress in case i wanted to pay him a visit.

But yeah, what do you guys think? Is he really gay? Is he just uncomfortable about the fact that people think he is gay?

Like, we would even flirt in front of our friends so we could make them a little bit uncomfortable :lol: .. and altough he said he wasn't gay, he told me that i was one of his best friends and i could always rely on him for everything.. but i still think he isn't being honest with me :/

What do you guys think?
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Re: My friend is gay... but he isn't?

Unread postby Lochlan » 15th February, 2018, 1:11 pm

Straight guys have a terrible habit of acting gay with their guy friends, and it's entirely possible that something similar happened here. It could be that he's questioning his sexuality and being out gay to you was a way of him exploring that. Honestly you shouldn't have outed him to your friends. That's never ok. And it may have made him want to act like none of it ever happened. He probably lost a lot of trust in you.

Give him space and time, remind him that you accept him, apologise for what you have done and throw out that constant idea of "Is he gay?" Your friendship is 100x more important and it's possible you've just damaged it.

I hope the situation ends well for you, but please don't pressure him to give you answers, that's probably the worst thing you could do.
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Re: My friend is gay... but he isn't?

Unread postby fivetangent » 15th February, 2018, 1:19 pm

Lochlan wrote:Straight guys have a terrible habit of acting gay with their guy friends, and it's entirely possible that something similar happened here. It could be that he's questioning his sexuality and being out gay to you was a way of him exploring that. Honestly you shouldn't have outed him to your friends. That's never ok. And it may have made him want to act like none of it ever happened. He probably lost a lot of trust in you.

Give him space and time, remind him that you accept him, apologise for what you have done and throw out that constant idea of "Is he gay?" Your friendship is 100x more important and it's possible you've just damaged it.

I hope the situation ends well for you, but please don't pressure him to give you answers, that's probably the worst thing you could do.


I forgot to mention that i asked him before if i should tell them he was gay, he told me he was ok with it, but he denied being gay for some reason...
And i find it weird that he would ''act'' gay with me :/, like, i don't get the point on pretending to be :lol: even in private with me, he would openly say he was gay.. and others in our group tought he was gay because he would sometimes be offended with some jokes they would throw about gay people, and he would even call them ''beautiful'' in some cases :/
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Re: My friend is gay... but he isn't?

Unread postby Lochlan » 15th February, 2018, 1:25 pm

fivetangent wrote:
Lochlan wrote:Straight guys have a terrible habit of acting gay with their guy friends, and it's entirely possible that something similar happened here. It could be that he's questioning his sexuality and being out gay to you was a way of him exploring that. Honestly you shouldn't have outed him to your friends. That's never ok. And it may have made him want to act like none of it ever happened. He probably lost a lot of trust in you.

Give him space and time, remind him that you accept him, apologise for what you have done and throw out that constant idea of "Is he gay?" Your friendship is 100x more important and it's possible you've just damaged it.

I hope the situation ends well for you, but please don't pressure him to give you answers, that's probably the worst thing you could do.


I forgot to mention that i asked him before if i should tell them he was gay, he told me he was ok with it, but he denied being gay for some reason...
And i find it weird that he would ''act'' gay with me :/, like, i don't get the point on pretending to be :lol: even in private with me, he would openly say he was gay.. and others in our group tought he was gay because he would sometimes be offended with some jokes they would throw about gay people, and he would even call them ''beautiful'' in some cases :/

Well that would have been good to know. It sounds like he's just not comfortable with being out. Probably best to just let him handle it himself and keep being yourself with him. He'll confirm it eventually if he is gay.
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Re: My friend is gay... but he isn't?

Unread postby fivetangent » 15th February, 2018, 1:40 pm

Lochlan wrote:
fivetangent wrote:
Lochlan wrote:Straight guys have a terrible habit of acting gay with their guy friends, and it's entirely possible that something similar happened here. It could be that he's questioning his sexuality and being out gay to you was a way of him exploring that. Honestly you shouldn't have outed him to your friends. That's never ok. And it may have made him want to act like none of it ever happened. He probably lost a lot of trust in you.

Give him space and time, remind him that you accept him, apologise for what you have done and throw out that constant idea of "Is he gay?" Your friendship is 100x more important and it's possible you've just damaged it.

I hope the situation ends well for you, but please don't pressure him to give you answers, that's probably the worst thing you could do.


I forgot to mention that i asked him before if i should tell them he was gay, he told me he was ok with it, but he denied being gay for some reason...
And i find it weird that he would ''act'' gay with me :/, like, i don't get the point on pretending to be :lol: even in private with me, he would openly say he was gay.. and others in our group tought he was gay because he would sometimes be offended with some jokes they would throw about gay people, and he would even call them ''beautiful'' in some cases :/

Well that would have been good to know. It sounds like he's just not comfortable with being out. Probably best to just let him handle it himself and keep being yourself with him. He'll confirm it eventually if he is gay.


Yeah.. i guess i'll have to wait.
Anyway, i'll probably meet him in person for the first time in April, we live very far away from each other... i had the chance to meet him earlier, but at the time i was in vacations with my family, so it didn't happen :/ he wanted to see a movie with me, and he is trying his best so he can visit me at my hometown in the summer
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Re: My friend is gay... but he isn't?

Unread postby Dolly » 15th February, 2018, 4:08 pm

He's probably gay, but you embarrassed him in a public format. If someone tells you that they're gay, it's best to assume they told you expecting that you won't tell others. Talk to him later about it and apologize.
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Re: My friend is gay... but he isn't?

Unread postby fivetangent » 15th February, 2018, 4:51 pm

Dolly wrote:He's probably gay, but you embarrassed him in a public format. If someone tells you that they're gay, it's best to assume they told you expecting that you won't tell others. Talk to him later about it and apologize.


I've said it above, but he gave me permission to tell them.. he even told me i could say that we were dating. We've talked about it, he told me he isn't gay, he's straight and it was all a joke.. but i don't think it was a joke, the way he talked about homosexuality and how he was so open about it... even his keyboard was the LGBT flag. And i've known him for more than 2 years, i know when he's joking or not.. and he never lied to me, after all, we were the ones who were always pranking others in our group :lol:
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Re: My friend is gay... but he isn't?

Unread postby fivetangent » 31st March, 2018, 9:53 pm

Hey guys, just came here to give you a couple of updates.
So, remember when i said i was going to meet him in person in April? Well, it happened :D
We went shopping, because his mother’s birthday was in a few days (i bought her a gift myself aswell), we went to see a movie and after that we dined together.
I introduced him to my mother, she really liked him and he wanted to introduce me to his mother aswell, we talked for a while and she seemed like an awesome lady. She even told me that he talks alot about me with her, but she didn’t get into detail on what those conversations where about XD
As for the whole “he’s gay” thing, i’ve followed some of your advices and avoided to talk about that subject with him, ofc we still talk about homossexuality sometimes, but not on a personal level, and yeah, we send messages with “i love you” alot and a couple of days ago while i was on a tournament with my team (Gaming event) he kept of messaging me everytime to show support and that he was super proud of me.. like, how could i not fall in love for somebody like him?? XD
But he still keeps on saying he is 100% straight, which i still find weird because i remember him saying in a group conversation, when they were discussing sexuallity that “it’s impossible for a person to be full straight” and he defended that everyone is bi basically XD
I’ve been trying to move on, like, maybe he just isn’t gay idk, but there is something in him that tells me that he is indeed gay.. and i normally have a good eye when it comes to those things, or like you guys said, he might just not want to come out as gay, and I fully understand, he isn’t 18 yet and his mind might be going through a lot of changes, I know perfectly how that works because i’ve been in the same boat, when I was his age i didn’t even consider kissing or dating another guy, but ohhh boy things have changed XD (i’m 18 btw).
No matter what, i should be thankfull that i have a friend like him, that i know that I can trust my whole life on him.. altough i would love to date him, i don’t want to damage our friendship with that, sooooo...

Thank you guys for your advices, they really helped and if you’d like give some more I would really apreciate it, or even give your opinion on this whole topic
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Re: My friend is gay... but he isn't?

Unread postby Russell » 8th April, 2018, 9:50 am

I would say that he is just in denial. At the moment, you have a great friend in him so I wouldn't rush him in his journey to find himself and just be content with your friendship. On that same note, you shouldn't waste your life waiting for him to come to terms with himself either, get yourself out there and meet some new guys, who knows, it might even kickstart him into action. :p
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Re: My friend is gay... but he isn't?

Unread postby fivetangent » 8th April, 2018, 11:19 am

Russell wrote:I would say that he is just in denial. At the moment, you have a great friend in him so I wouldn't rush him in his journey to find himself and just be content with your friendship. On that same note, you shouldn't waste your life waiting for him to come to terms with himself either, get yourself out there and meet some new guys, who knows, it might even kickstart him into action. :p


Exactly, he’s an awesome friend and the main thing I want is for him to be happy with who he is, I don’t want to rush him with his sexuality.
Funny thing is that i’ve asked a ton of people what do they think of it (online) and they all think that he is gay, but he is still in denial (just like you said) and I honestly can’t blame him for that, when I was his age (I’m 18 he is 16, but honestly he looks older than me xD) I did the same, I just could bare with the fact that I was gay, I accepted it in February when I came out to him officially, but I guess it’s a matter of time.
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Re: My friend is gay... but he isn't?

Unread postby Russell » 8th April, 2018, 10:59 pm

fivetangent wrote:the main thing I want is for him to be happy with who he is, I don’t want to rush him with his sexuality.
You're a good friend. I cannot really offer you anything, as you seem to have the basic idea down pat, so I simply wish luck to the both of you regardless of where your paths end up leading. :)
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Re: My friend is gay... but he isn't?

Unread postby fivetangent » 13th June, 2018, 12:57 pm

Well.. hello again everyone XD.
Sorry in advance if i keep on reviving this post, but this is the only way i can express/talk to anyone regarding this issue. The only person i trust enough to talk about this is the one that is involved in this whole thing and i don't think any of my friends would understand what i'm going through.
This is the first time that i've ever fallen in love for someone... and ohh boy it sure is a fucked up thing, they always told me that i'd feel butterflies on my stomach, but it's more than that! I can't stop thinking about him, i'm always waiting for his text and i even got to the point where i would make plans with my friends and at the last second, cancel them because i wanted to be with him.

Why is that? Well, i always tell him when i make plans with my friends, and most of the time he goes like ''Ohh.. do you really have to go?'', or even when i tell him i have to go dinner he asks me ''Can't you bring your dinner upstairs and eat while you're talking with me?''. I think he has a crush on me, but at the same time, he denies it. Because he gets a little upset whenever i take a while to reply to his texts, he texts me at like 3 a.m to talk about my life and then he goes to sleep. At the weekends, we like to watch a movie together, we facetime each other and then that's it. We used to just watch the movie and then go to sleep, but now, after we watch the movie, we both turn our PC's off and then go to bed while still talking with each other, and we stay there talking for as long as possible.. Heck, even recently we watched a horror movie (it wasn't that scary tho) and he asked me if i could stay with him until he fell asleep. For me, it seems like he has a huge crush on me but doesn't want to admit it.

Remember when i said he had that theory that everyone is bisexual? Well, he still thinks that way. He used to say that he was fully straight, now he admits that he is a little Bi, although he says he is like 90% vs 10% (90% likes girls, 10% guys).. but still, i don't think he is telling the truth here.. i even got to the point to count the stereotypes he fits in (i know, stereotypes are dumb and everyone is different, but i counted more the ones that i also think i fit in), and he fits into a lot of them. Like, he never had a girlfriend, doesn't like sports, cares a lot about his appearence (he does his eyebrows, wants to paint his nails, likes to dye his hair)... and not to mention that he still uses that LGBT flag as his keyboard pattern - I know these are dumb, pls don't kill me :( - He likes to watch some openly gay youtubers, listens to openly gay singers/rappers and, while we are in a group, he is constanly telling things like ''i'm gay'' or sexual jokes regarding him and his ''gay sexuality''.. we even once were checking out one guy in our group (he is gorgeous af) together and he was making comments like ''omg, he's so pretty'' and ''everything fits him so well''.. matter in fact, as i'm writting this, he asked me to send pictures of his hairstyle

He told me that he falls in love very easily and that sometimes he suffers with it... although he never told me if it was about girls or boys.. he used to have a crush on a girl, but i think they don't talk anymore.. and the only girl he talks to is his brother's girlfriend (at least that i know off) and that he is very shy and reserved... so if he is indeed gay, i think i know why he doesn't want to admit it.

What i want to know is.. should i make a move? We are like brothers, we trust each other a lot and the last thing that i want is for our friendship to end because i want more than just a friendship..
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Re: My friend is gay... but he isn't?

Unread postby CRUSTY SEA MILF » 13th June, 2018, 6:55 pm

1. Does he know that you're gay?
2. A pretty fair amount of those 'stereotypes' can be really hit or miss. Whether he likes sports, grooms himself a lot, and has had a gf can be potential hits but I wouldn't bank on them too heavily.
3. I don't know that everyone is bi tbh. I'm not attracted to girls at all in that way.
4. He could just be confused, does he feign interest in girls around you as well?
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Re: My friend is gay... but he isn't?

Unread postby fivetangent » 13th June, 2018, 10:37 pm

CRUSTY SEA MILF wrote:1. Does he know that you're gay?
2. A pretty fair amount of those 'stereotypes' can be really hit or miss. Whether he likes sports, grooms himself a lot, and has had a gf can be potential hits but I wouldn't bank on them too heavily.
3. I don't know that everyone is bi tbh. I'm not attracted to girls at all in that way.
4. He could just be confused, does he feign interest in girls around you as well?


1. Yes, he does know, matter in fact, he is the only person that i've ever came out to, and he is super supportive. To give a little bit more detail, he has once came out as gay to me aswell but a few months later denied that and he doesn't like when people throw gay related jokes

2. I know, stereotypes are just plain dumb.. but since i fit into some of them (for example, not being really into sports, i never had a girlfriend and i like to dye my hair) i decided to enumerate a few of which he fitted in

3. I kinda agree with you on that matter, although i think all women are bisexual, i don't think the same applies to man... but he is really positive that everyone is a bit bisexual xD

4. I also think he is just confused with himself, and he rarely speaks about girls with me... tbh, i don't think he ever spoke about girls with me or anyone else in our group (except for that one girl that he said he had a crush on... but i think he never actually had a crush on her, i think he was using that as a way to hide his sexuality), more often we're talking about guys.. for example, that one friend from our group, once we were watching a movie about 2 brothers and he was checking one of them out, saying that he was prettier than the other one... you know, small stuff like that
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